Return of the Jedi

Now I know this is probably a more serious issue than what I would usually discuss but I felt I had to address it. I was reading an article about yet another atrocity committed by U.S forces in Afghanistan and I couldn't help but think of Star Wars, Return of the Jedi. The two may initially seem unrelated but if you look just a bit beneath the surface the similarities become abundantly clear.
You've got this adorable species of bear-like folk enjoying their lives according to their own traditions, then suddenly an oppressive invader arrives and begins murdering them indiscriminantly. Seeing the similarities yet? The ewoks decide enough is enough and they start to fight back; they don't have the same kind of weaponry as the evil united empire so they improvise. They use stones, logs and improvised explosive devices to combat their seemingly unstoppable foe.
The empire cleverly manages to use fear tactics to make their people hate the ewoks and their propaganda soon leads to the peaceful Jedi religion being viewed as little more than a terrorist organisation throughout the galaxy.
The citizens of the empire follow blindly because the televised images of the death star's collapse two films ago is still fresh in their minds. They're scared and confused so when their leaders tell them that Skywalker and his associates are hiding in Endor they believe them.
They label their enemies "rebel scum", forgetting that their united empire was founded by fighting back against a powerful force in much the same way the rebels fight them now.
The ewoks' victory was inevitable and following a change in leadership the troops of the imperial coalition began to consider pulling out of their little, mineral rich moon.
The war was over and they all had lemonade. The end.
In short the Taliban are adorable and if the U.S don't pull out within three years then I will roda my own drin (if you don't get it then learn ewok you bigot, it's all Sue's fucking fault anyway).

Good things come to those who wait

Well, I'd like to begin this post by apologising for my extended absence from the page. I haven't been away, I just forgot about it entirely. Rest assured that your patience shall be rewarded; today I will tackle an issue far more important and immediately threatening to modern society than any other I could possibly deal wth. I am, of course referring to the decreasing crisp to packaging ratio in Walkers crisps.
Yes, it is an issue that has tried my patience for a long time. There was a day long ago when one could open up a bag of Walkers and find just that, a full packet of delicious crisps, however now all that you are met with is a dreadful abyss of cheap packaging, leading to a paltry sum of crushed, tasteless potato at the base of the pit. And to add insult to injury they never change the size of the bag itself, meaning that now it seems ridiculously wasteful and environmentally harmful. In fact, the packaging is so oversized that the contents of two bags can fit in one. True fact...I tested it.
So yeah, on top of all that they haven't changed the prices; meaning that the value of an individual Walkers crisp has somehow massively increased. When will this madness stop? Will the price per crisp continue to increase exponentially until they are worth more pound for pound than beluga caviar dusted with heroin? While I can only wildly speculate I would say that this grim eventuality will become reality within two years. Until then enjoy what few walkers crisps you can get because after that point we'll all have to eat Golden Wonder like a bunch of wankers.
Go ahead Walkers, prove me wrong.

The Joys of Christmas

Roughly two thousand years ago near Jerusalem a young woman was visited; this visitor told her great things, she listened and then...they had a right good shag.
Were she a little smarter she would have spent the valuable time she had before her pregnancy became noticeable coming up with a plausible excuse to give to her husband that could explain her simultaneously being up the duff and supposedly being a virgin, however, she was fourteen and short-sighted so she wasted her time.
So, when the inevitable question came from her husband she was unprepared. As a result her response was stammered and unconvincing; she knew how transparent it was but unbelievably he bought it (he was a carpenter, not an academic) and she thanked the God she didn't believe in.
She didn't even remember most of the details of the fabrication the next day.
Little did she know that her lie would have had such disastrous and hilarious consequences.

The Beginning of Something Terrible

Well, if you are currently reading this I applaud you; literacy is the first test. Unfortunately for you the next several are persistence and patience with a blog that will undoubtedly have very few followers and be maintained and commented upon infrequently.
Whether you have accessed this piece of digital detritus deliberately or not it is probably best you know now that all future posts will be opinionated and on occassion offensive. I have no plans to alter the way I think or post for others as I am simply too inconsiderate and lazy to attempt to change for the better at this point in life.
If you are still reading I applaud your patience and if you intend to continue I salute you; you are braver than I.